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The drive home was silent, for my parents were trying to keep back tears, but I was calm. That’s the one good thing about being suicidal: the prospect of your own death actually brings you peace. Now I didn’t have to feel guilty about killing myself. The effect it would have on my family was one of the only things keeping me from ending it all. Now I could just let the cancer do it for me. In a way, it felt good to finally have an answer as to why I suffered from depression. I had been depressed for most of my eighteen years, even suicidal, completely in contrast to the comfortable middle-class life I lived in my hometown in Maine. I couldn’t even count the number of antidepressants, forced therapy lessons, and thoughts of longing to just die. There are people starving all over the world, people suffering. It’s a mystery to people like me why they just don’t kill themselves. It is the only question I will leave behind. How do they have lives that make my horrors look pathetic, but. The rest of the afternoon was uneventful. Ron took a nap and then watched TV. I puttered around outside, trying to stay away from him. Richard came home a little after six. He came into the kitchen and asked how my day had been. I said okay. What was I supposed to say? Was I supposed to tell him I had been dreaming of a big, black dick all afternoon? I joined the men, after doing the dishes. They were laying back on the sofa, with their legs on the coffee table. Richard was still wearing long pants, but Ron had on a pair of boxers. When Ron crossed his legs, the head of his dick was visible from the bottom of his shorts. I was sitting across from them, and couldn’t help, but look. Richard caught me once, and looked to see what I was looking at. He knew I kept glancing at Ron’s crotch. Richard just looked at me, but never said a word. I don’t think he cared! What is going on here?Monday morning, Richard went off early to work. Ron said he had a meeting at noon, and was just going to.
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